Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
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List Price: $16.95
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Manufacturer: New Harbinger Publications
Written By: Kimberlee Roth, Freda B. Friedman
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Binding: Paperback
Dewey Decimal Number: 158
EAN: 9781572243286
ISBN: 1572243287
Label: New Harbinger Publications
Manufacturer: New Harbinger Publications
Number Of Items: 1
Number Of Pages: 200
Publication Date: 2003-11
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Studio: New Harbinger Publications
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Editorial Reviews for Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
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Although relatively common, Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is often overlooked or misdiagnosed by therapists and clinicians and denied by those who suffer from it. Symptoms of this tragic problem include unpredictability, violence and uncontrollable anger, deep depression and self-abuse. Parents with BPD are often unable to provide for the basic physical and emotional needs of their children. In an ironic and painful role reversal, BPD parents can actually raise children to be their caretakers. They may burden even very young children with adult responsibilities. They tend to demand unreasonable levels of emotional and material support from those least able to provide it. Plagued by irrational fears and anxieties, BPD parents often transfer feelings of self-hatred onto their children. salting the wounds inflicted by their insatiable need with constant denigration and abuse. If you were raised by a BPD parent, your childhood was a volatile and painful time. This book, the first written specifically for children of borderline parents, offers step-by-step guidance to understanding and overcoming the lasting effects of being raised by a person suffering from this disorder. Learn what psychological criteria are necessary for a BPD diagnosis and identify the specific characteristics your parent presents. Discover specific coping strategies for dealing with issues common to children of borderline parents: low self-esteem, lack of trust, guilt, and hypersensitivity. Make the major decision whether to confront your parent about his or her condition.
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Consumer reviews:
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Customer Rating:  
Summary: there isn't anything wrong with it
Comment: I didn't love this book, however there isn't anything wrong with it necessarily, it just wasn't my style. It was well written and gives you what it says it will. I'd also recommend the book by Sarah Shikitao-Brown, Tao Cycle Therapy: Natural Happiness via Self Directed Cure for Chronic Anxiety & Depression [Updated 2008 3nd Edition] Her book is about the root of these issues, not just the cosmetics.
Customer Rating:
Summary: The authors of these books obviously haven't lived with somebody who has BPD
Comment: I would give this book five stars for research alone, but all of these books regarding Borderline Personality Disorder seem to be inter-plagiarized amongst themselves with the same research and facts and only a smattering of examples of adults who still suffer the consequences of growing up with a Borderline parent.It is both laughable AND nauseating to read how we should be "calm" while in the throes of being pummeled, beaten, slammed against walls, having our hair torn out, being shoved onto the floor and the relentless SCREAMING. I TRULY would like to see any of the authors of these books act in a "calm" fashion while being repeatedly smashed to bits on a daily basis. I am sorry to find out, 41 years too late, that my mother suffers from BPD; it took 41 years for me to become friends with a young woman who diagnosed my mother. After that, I frantically purchased this book and two others and the "coping" suggestions are completely ridiculous. The only thing/s the authors get correctly is that we are guilted into never leaving these horrible parents. In MY case, my mother has repeatedly threatened to kill me, jeopardized relationships with boyfriends, bosses and landlords, and screamed at me until I felt certain I would go deaf. Yes, I have remained calm, but having my head slammed repeatedly against walls, banisters and doors, as well as my integrity, emotions, feelings and reputation being equally pummeled by a nonstop barrage of insults, accusations and commentary has made me an extremely unhappy woman, and a very damaged one at that. I cannot even sleep due to my mother's abrupt appearances either at my home or place of work, if I hang up on her when she is insulting or screaming at me on the phone, she rages a personal vendetta about me to anybody who knows me and worst of all, is that when I was younger, I reported her insane behavior to my neighbors, doctors, school nurses, school chums, teachers and even the police and NOBODY DID A THING. 30 someodd years ago, there WERE no Social Service agencies in place to remove me from her dangerous dungeon and worst of all, if I had the audacity to complain about her relentless abuse, these people would question my mom, if they did anything, and this would make her so enraged, the beatings and screaming would escalate. My older brother only was her target for a few years and all he simply was doing was defending himself verbally. She kicked him out of the house at age 19 and ironically, as she has refused to work for 15 years now, I tried to help her by paying all her bills, ruining my credit twice, filing bankruptcy and never being paid back the nearly $50,000.00 I kept outlaying for all her ridiculous bills and debts. Whenever I complained, and justifiably so, that I had my own bills to pay, she bashed me so hard and screamed so loudly I truly prayed every single night I would go deaf, or simply die already. Yes, I also rented five apartments in my name after we were homeless and living in motels together, she refused to live in any of them; I even bought a house which she demanded I buy and refused to live there, so I immediately put it back on the market until it sold, I lost thousands of more dollars DUE TO buying that house, gave her back the profits when it sold, because of her repeated violence and threats to kill me (she'd given me money as a downpayment and never even told me she HAD any money and when I'd complained that she should have paid me back, I got bashed to bits), and her latest accusation is that I KEPT MONEY from the house when it sold, when it was absolutely not true. It is true that people with BPD come up with bizarre accusations, but what is most troubling of all is that these three books I have purchased TRULY did NOT touch base upon the fact that the violence is instant and savage and relentless in nature. They say violence "can occur", well, I have never seen anything the likes of what this horrid woman pulled on me my entire life and thank God I no longer live with her, but she still makes repeated threats against my pets, job, relationship with my boyfriend and I never know what this insane woman is going to pull next. She always is well-behaved around my brother, so I don't see how this can be a disorder when she can control her vicious rages, screaming and violence while in the presence of my brother, but the moment she sees me, she goes off on her un-ending screaming, insults, accusations and that painful hitting. I finally hit her back once, when I turned 30 and she practically murdered me from simply trying to defend myself. Yes, I have written letters to her doctors and positively all of them must be quacks, because NOBODY finds anything wrong with her. I have had horrendous Jewish guilt trips laid on me my entire life to keep taking this vicious woman's crap, abuse, insults, screaming, punching, hitting and hair pulling and she is crafty and manipulative enough to lie about me to everybody who knows me, thus these people question me relentlessly about how I can let my mother "suffer". This woman has her Social Security to live on, yet after supplying some 300 links to rentals from CraigsList, refuses to rent a place; instead, she either flies back and forth to my brother's home, or else she stays in motels for months at a time. She complains positively 24 hours per day and never has a kind word to say to me. So I say to the authors of these three books, you couldn't BEGIN TO KNOW what it is like to live with somebody who hates you so ferociously and thinks nothing of breaking your hands, giving you fat and bloody lips, black eyes, who tears out your hair, and slams you against walls, kicking, punching and screaming at you. Your suggestions are beyond ludicrous. You couldn't possibly have been put in the position of trying to placate these insane people, who REFUSE TO SEEK HELP!
Customer Rating:
Summary: there are better options
Comment: I generally do not mind when a primary author does not have a specialty in a subject, especially when they have a coauthor who does. In this case, the writing is down-right poor in many cases and just ok in most. The author clearly has no personal history or professional experience with the subject, relying entirely on other texts and resources. There are topics that are so poorly explored that one is left feeling like these authors cared more about getting a publication out than really dealing with a reader's experiences or the subject matter. In some cases, section headings were unrelated to the paragraphs that followed.
The reader is encouraged to get the book through the library, look up the references and then go get those books. Topics are dealt with in brief and unfulfilling ways. The lists of what to do and what to think about are ok, some poorly thought out, and then there is no real discussion about what to do with all the thoughts and ideas once you have made the endless number of lists.
Do not buy this book until you have seen a copy from a library. There is little in here to really produce a solid understanding of the condition. Yes, there are some helpful suggestions, but these authors clearly have had little personal experience with the BPD person. Frustrating, not helpful. There are better resources. But some may like the lists, of course some of these lists requires superb memory of your childhood and dialogue with parents. For many of us children of BPD people we have frozen memories and have only senses of what was said.
Idealistic treatment ideas, they might work for some. Much better work out there on the subject.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Understanding
Comment: I read this book, and kept notes beside me as I touched on how some of the content was relevant to my mother... and discarded what didn't really relate. (kinda like going to a Chinese Buffet).
Obvious at times, the book talks about the pattern of our parent's life and our life as their child... the pattern that has always been there, ebbing beneath the surface. The clinical names for episodes in our lives, the specific scenarios, and suggested lines of thought... all stretched your mind toward a better SELF AWARENESS and UNDERSTANDING of a loved one in your life who is ill.
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I especially liked the boundaries portion.
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Pontificating and understanding is a good personal step... but don't cuddle up with the pain and emotions here in this book. This shouldn't define who you are...
After a couple of months... I re-read the book... thinking of my siblings, and what traits and flaws each of us developed as cooping mechanisms to survive such a self involved parent.
After another couple of months, then I re-read the book... thinking of myself... and my own child (currently pregnant).
What do you do with the knowledge depends upon your strength of character and personality... knowledge for the sake of knowledge or righteousness or even indignation would only exacerbate the family situation. A quiet knowing and goal to always improve yourself is all that you can expect of a self help novel.
I recommend the Tao of Pooh. I recommend looking at the patterns within your own life and taking responsibility for them. And if you are a person who draws strength from your church community... I recommend that time and energy as well.
GOOD building block book... but don't fall down the rabbit hole.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Excellent source for personal insight and counseling therapists
Comment: At last, a voice and a reasoning to make sense of the chaos, drama, physical, emotional violence of my parents and my own inner dialogue as an adult from this toxic environment. If you are willing to do the work and wish not to repeat the family dynamics, this is the book to guide you.
One of the best resources written on this subject; gets to the heart of the issues from all aspects and provides a mental and emotional reprieve from the pain.
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More Information on Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
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I gave up on highlighting the pertinent passages in this book - every word of it applied perfectly to my realtionship with my mother. This book gives you the validation you ...
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Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem Kimberlee Roth et al, 2003
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Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth, Freda B., Ph.D.
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